I am realizing more and more everyday that things are not as whole as I think they are.  Depending on your personality, this can either be a great discovery or a tragic realization.  Oddly enough, I think I’ve approached this lack of wholeness from both angles.

So what am I talking about?  All around me I see people trying to live joyfully while hindered by something from their past.  Some type of baggage weighs almost everyone down.  It can prevent us from being who we want to be or doing things we want to do.  I used to think I was immune to all this stuff, somehow better than everyone else.

I am slowly being shown the disparities in my life and how I cannot address them myself.  It is not depressing in the least.  Knowing the situations are too big for me is liberating; Someone else is in control.  My only reaction should be to welcome that control, to believe, and work hard to fix things.

Jesus comforts me in Mark by saying, “Do not fear, only believe.”  I think that is the first verse to have profound meaning in my life. It seems to apply to all situation, especially this test I’ll be taking tomorrow.

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I don’t usually get worked up much over what goes on in the news, but some recent articles in the paper have bothered me.  A couple of days ago, Ford reported their first quarter earnings and were praised for exceeding expectations in this difficult economy.  They were perceived as doing so much better than their other Big 3 counterparts.  Matter of fact, their stock price went up something like 25% they day they reported earnings.  So they made some good money, huh?  Nope.  They lost almost 2,000,000,000 dollars.

I think were are becoming numb to these numbers in the current environment.  Two billion sounds tiny in comparison to the trillions (yea, thats a T) already given out to companies.  Let’s break it down.

Assume that Ford’s expenses are spread evenly across all days in the period, which gives us 90 days to lose 2 billion.  They lost 22.22 million a day.  Cool.  Now lets assume that they operate 8 hours a day, and we see them losing 2.77 million an hour.  Man how efficient!  Now divide that by 60 and they are losing 46,296 per minute.  You could support a family for a year on the amount of money Ford is lost every minute for a 90 day period.  43,200 families could live off of Ford’s loss for they year, had they just paid the money out instead of lost it.

So, to my dear members of the press and to intelligent business people around they world - why is this considered a successful 90 days?  What am I missing.

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Lehman Brothers went bankrupt last year, and their current lawyers stand to make nearly a billion bucks once everything is all said and done.  Some wild stats were on the front page of the WSJ today.

Their lawyers (Weil,Gotschal, and Manges LLP) have billed the company for 100,000 billable hours between September 15 last year and the end of January.  I looked up how many total hours there are between those dates.  If you worked 7 days a week for 24 hours a day, you would only work 3312 hours.  That would require a little more than 30 people to total 100,000 hours.  Realistically, if you assume 80 hour weeks (lawyers work lots, right?) over the 19 week period, you end up with a group of 66 slaves working all those hours.  Its hard for me to image there is that much work.  Seems excessive.

The lead lawyer is asking for $950/hour over the 795 hours he reports working.  795 hours is only 42 hours a week, which I’m sure is understated.  Either way, this man will be making $755,250 for 19 weeks of work.  Not bad, eh?

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John 10:17-18

17 For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it up again. 18 No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This charge I have received from my Father.

As part of the Lenten BCP readings, I came across these verses yesterday.  They matched up pretty well with something going through my head last Friday.  As I was driving home I became upset with the idea of the Easter bunny.  Why has God been made into such a timid figure?  I don’t think that this image conveys to children the true nature of God.  I just don’t like it.  Its cute and tidy, but that’s not so much what our God is.

The verses preceding the listed ones talk about God laying down his life.  In my own mind  there seems to be this image of Christ’s sacrifice as a situation of his own helplessness.  Verses 17-18 set this improper image straight.  Christ says that no one takes his life and that he has AUTHORITY to lay it down.  What a powerful word to remind us of our proper place.  Even in death, Christ was no timid character but rather one in complete control.

Another part of yesterday’s reading was Jeremiah 25:30-38.  Verse 30 twice refers to the Lord “roaring.”  Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think that bunnies roar.  If I ever have kids I don’t know that they will grow up with an Easter Bunny.

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A lot of graduating students are finding it really hard to find jobs right now, and even that did not make me appreciate my job.  It all seemed too easy.  The interviewers came to me, invited me to the office, and I ended up with 4 different offers.  Piece of cake, right?

Part of what has prevented me from being truly grateful is that I feel like I was spoon fed everything.  I grew up in a fancy town with rich parents, have gotten a great education, and haven’t had to worry with balancing work and school.  It would only seem natural that a great job came my way; it is just all too easy.

So my challenge is to get over myself and be thankful for what I have been given, to realize that I have been truly blessed. (How pathetic, huh?) A couple of weeks ago I began my Lenten readings and came across something Jesus said, and it has helped change my perspective.

Go read Matthew 25:41-46

The list of things Jesus instructs are simple, but I don’t do them.  After reading the verses I began to think of what doing these things would look like practically.  Even though the verse confused me at first, the instruction in the beginning of verse 43 is what got me excited about my job.  What does welcoming a stranger look like?  Well, working for a big firm, I will be able to take an active role in recruiting; that, to me, looks like welcoming a stranger.  Cool stuff!  It also made me very happy to think about how the money they will pay me can be used to fund the other tasks listed.

I now appreciate the job.  I’m very grateful and humbled.  Thanks God for your word.

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This is all my little phone could manage, but at least I got a picture. It was a beautiful sight, so much snow.

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Day 1 of Lent.  Over the past several years, this season has been somewhat frustrating.  I start strong, only to succumb to one lame excuse or another around the mid-way point.  I break my fast and speak cynical words about the whole idea, inside wishing I was stronger.  This year will be different for one big reason - friends.

First a little bit about me to set the scene.  My knee jerk reaction to big groups of people is to withdraw.  They make me uncomfortable.  What can I say?  Afterall, I am a Tech student. The ideal way for me to socialize is in a group of maybe 4 or less, because with more than 4 I’m overwhelmed.

The odd thing is that this is changing.  Each night this week I’ve done something with a group, and I find myself energized afterwards!  This is such an odd experience.  This can be attributed to two things.  First, there’s someone looking out for me.  His plan is better than mine. He orchestrates who enters my life and at what time they enter.  How good He is - how much He loves me!  Second, the people are great!  Mr. Kowalski, Mr. Dietz, Mr. Kelso, Mr. Bass, and Ms. Doyle (just to name a few) are a blessing.  It’s a funny, approachable, accepting group of folks.  I’m pretty sure that good times are had by all.

Praise God for new friends and deepening relationships.

Now to ramble.  On the way home from dinner tonight I was listening to the song “The House” by Cool Hand Luke.  There are beautiful truths all throughout the song that make my inside want out.  When I was singing the words, I was filled with joy and love.  In that moment I felt like the only thing better would have been able to share those feelings with other people.  (Hard when you’re alone in a car)  There is immense beauty in wanting to share.  Inside wanting out really reflects how God would have us live our lives.  After all, He gives so much that there is nothing to do with the excess but share.  Listen to the newest Cool Hand Luke - its full of good truth.

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I’m part of that apathetic group that got out and actually voted this election.  Except I didn’t vote.  Nothing got me off the couch.  I don’t like politics.

Tonight I watched the results of the election with Eleanor and her lovely little roommates.  For me it was the first time I actually heard either of the candidates speak. (Hard to track this stuff without TV…or the desire) I found myself moved with the way McCain spoke, especially how he ended he speech, calling Obama “my president.”  That was powerful and humbling I’m sure.

An aside.  Words have been overly powerful for me in the last couple of weeks.  A couple of stories written in German about the times following WWII and some beautiful fiction from C.S. Lewis have woven ornate pictures in my mind.  Greater pictures than an artist could ever hope to draw.  While reading, I stopped at times just to build the scenes in my mind, and I was taken to a different work. This fascination sprang to life as the different candidates spoke.

Back in politics land, Obama took the stage a while later.  He is a talented orator, that much has already been established. As he spoke I was pulled in.  (remember, its my first time hearing the guy)  The story he concluded his speech with concerning the 106 year old voter from Atlanta evoked emotion.  He was able to equate the “change” to come during his term to achievements such as landing on the moon.  The words got an apathetic boy like myself excited about the years to come. Not excited about the politics or new laws/leaders, but about the fact that I get to be a witness to human progress.  We are a people that, unified, have seemingly limitless potential.

“Wir Sind Ein Volk”

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1.  Its really hard to study German right now.  It reminds me of different times.  Last time I studied the subject seriously I was excitedly preparing for a foreign undertaking.  Then when I think about going back to relive some of what I used to love, I realize how unfulfilling it will be.  Thats what’s hard about nostalgia.  It’s not the events that actually happened that you miss, but the state of mind you were in.  I thought today about going to visit Nuernberg.  But each time I was there something memorable happened.  I remember each of my trips there vividly.  It was a special place.  So yea, its hard to study German.

2. Career Fair is Friday, and it starts one of the last excited transitions in my life for a while.  Considering it that way makes it sound sad, but it really a joyful thing as well.  Going through the recruiting process is fun.  Companies really do make you feel special, and its just fun to look back on and remember.

(Catching the theme of memories?)

3. I forgot number three for now.  I must say though that fall is glorious and the life of a student is something I will probably long for my whole life long.

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“The further irony of all this was that in spite of her, he had turned out so well.  In spite of going to only a third-rate college, he had, on his own initiative, come out with a first-rate education; in spite of growing up dominated by a small mind, he had ended up with a large one; in spite of all her foolish views, he was free of prejudice and unafraid to face facts.  Most miraculous of all, instead of being blinded by love for he as she was or him, he had cut himself emotionally free of her and could see her with complete objectivity.”

Cynical, bitter, prideful, arrogant

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