Of always waking up in a bed
Of always having clean hands
Of muscles that do not ache
Of rooms with no windows
Of computers

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Me and God had a special time in my car on Tuesday morning.  He met me right when I needed him, and he held me.  Really too personal to explain more.  The striking thing is the strength that it has given me through the week.  I have little problem working my hours - 50 of them Mon-Thurs with a full weekend ahead of me.  It is astonishing really.

I have asked myself a question this week. Is there virtue in hard work, even when the work serves no better purpose?

Without question, yes.  Hard work teaches you things about yourself you would not otherwise learn.  It exposes your weeknesses, makes this glaringly obvious.  Over the past weeks I have seen things in myself I am not proud of, and I can now make strides to change them.  A life centered on knowing a perfect being requires me to try to improve myself.  My work gives me a laundry list of way to do so.  In this way it seems there is indirect virtue in hard work.  I will be trying to change my perspective in my mind - reorienting my work from indirectly virtuous to a direct act of worship.

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I have asked for trust and I feel you answering my prayers. Things I have leaned upon in the past, even just slightly, now support no weight. You are stripping away all I have clung to.
Praise you father.

On the road to trust I can’t seem to find you, and I need you most now. I will continue to search for you. You, my salvation.  Perhaps you are teaching me just how important you are.  What a beautiful lesson God!

I am a caged animal, an unbroken horse.

Let me stay still to learn your lessons. Help me persevere in pain, give me trust-centered patience.

I need you, God
I need you.
Draw near

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Father,
let me turn my pain to prayer
and in my prayers teach me trust
from my trust lead me to patience.
help me to adopt a long-term perspective.

search me God and try me
you have lead me to my situation,
now teach me in it.
do not forget me God.

bless my labors,
let them bring me closer to others and you.
i need you
i can’t go it alone

oh, and thank you for my friends, God.

Amen.

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I learned a simple lesson today when making my afternoon tea - things instant are often disappointingly mediocre.

Have you ever had a coffee or tea at a machines that brews from the little plastic pod? The drink is always forgettable, and I settle for it everyday. In my beverage, God showed me a lack of patience in my life, and this lack of patience evidences a lack of trust.

This simple, tea-originating lesson ties in well to the message given yesterday at church. Kris emphasized how important it is to submit our plans to the Father. Honestly, as of yesterday I though that my job had tought me to submit fairly well. Today I’m realzing I have a life’s worth of learning to submit ahead of me. After thinking it over, submission is getting harder because I am finally developing a picture of where I want to be in the coming years. I think my vision is from God, but I also sense him telling me to calm down. He is telling me to wait for his timing. I may have a direction in mind, but that doesn’t mean I should act now.

I can translate this lesson to relationships. Singleness can be a very good thing, but I have slowly grown tired of being solitary. Over the last month I have become impatient in this area too. But again, God tells me that his timing is good. That the longing and subsequent patience will be rewarding.

In Him I find complete peace.

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I get home around 9.15 nowdays.  At that hour, there’s a good chance my place will be empty when I arrive.  Andrew is always gone; he has a girlfriend.  Marcus is there from time to time, but he’s got no reason to wait around for me.

So I’ve realized that what I need is a special kind of friend - someone that would find joy in spending two hours of time each night with me doing not much of anything.  Two hours because that’s all I’ve got during this season.

We would sit around in my new house (!!), read together, listen to some music, and perhaps cook dinner.  It would be the most basic time of friendship.  I want it.  I need it.

I pray about this.  God reminds me that he is just that type of friend, and I am encouraged.  Yesterday on my drive to work I heard God speak to me and he used funny words.  He said, “son, I’ve got you”, and those simple brought me joy for the rest of my trek northward.

On her blog, a friend quoted a verse that said, “I have calmed and quieted my soul.” (Psalm 131:2) That simple verse has helped me on my way to and from work to deal with the long days then the subsequent lonely hours.  God I am calming the storm inside me.  Speak in the quiet.  Use my situation to teach me who you are.  Lead me on a path of submission.

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Perhaps I am just now learning to understand my own emotions for the first time, because I have a new one.  A strong desire for a close companion has overtaken me.  It’s been an interesting feeling to mole over and talk to God about.

I’ve written my first ever little poem thingy about this feeling.  This version has taken me forever to get to, and its not even that good. All quality concerns aside, writing it has been a blast!  I could not have imagined what putting thought into an organized form could do.  Read it.

when my hours are over
im finally free
to go and come unfettered
but on my mind is you

i dont even know you yet
or maybe i do
my number leaves a hole
i wish to fill

scared to be alone
an unrefined feeling
for this man
refreshingly raw, new

my longing for you
brings joy in the pain
for in my desire I recall
His unmatchable pursuit of me

the quiet teaches me
bringing joy in solitude
space to recount His love
and a learning to submit

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This was the first year that I grasped the emotional rollercoaster that the holidays can bring. Relationships of those around me did not sit still over the break; they either progressed or dissolved. Cousins and friends alike lost multi-year relationships. Because I have been through the pain of that situation, those who lost weigh heavy on my heart. I spent my commute this morning praying for these people.

God bring peace and rest. Comfort the hurting and bring healing. Prevent the guys who have lost from finding comfort outside of you. Keep them.

I also witnessed sadness in my mother, who was ready to pack up the decorations before the holidays even began. Something just didn’t seem right within her. It is painful to witness.

You can find my roommates and me on the opposite side of the fence. We are giddy. One is newly engaged, I made new friends and am on my way to home ownership, and the final fella is working on a new girlfriend. What a blessing the Christmas season was to us! I know that each of us go through our days now with joyful hearts.

This strange dichotomy has probably always existed, but my eyes are now open.

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Hello New Year, I am excited about you.  2009 was a special one for me and I think you are going to be even better.

Over the last year I turned a corner.  I went from bitterness and resentment to joy.  Now my joy grows daily.  I increase in meaningful friendships and draw closer to those around me.  What great joy!  I find myself encouraged by small things.  The Word draws me in, teaches me to live and to pray.

Particularly encouraging was new year’s eve.  I spent it with two new friends, Susanne and Jessie.  The goal was a low key evening, and we found not only low key but also God’s presence.  We puzzled, played scategories, and then, with 5 minutes to the new year, we wrote notes to ourselves to be opened 1/1/11.  The new year came upon a silent room of writers.

About 10 minutes into the new year, Susanne pulled out the Book of Common Pray, curious if there was a reading for January 1. Turns out that January is the day of the Holy Name.  Together we read four beautiful texts that call God by his different names as well as call his people by their right name.  The text from Revelation was particularly powerful.  Go read it.

In those early minutes of 2010, we shared community.  There is no question that  that upstairs room was holy ground.  For those moments we were living as we were meant to.  I want more of that.  I need more of that.

So here’s to a 2010 that’s full of community as God intended.  God we need you.  Draw near to us.  Be present among us.

Eternal Father, who didst give to thine incarnate Son the holy
name of Jesus to be the sign of our salvation: Plant in every
heart, we beseech thee, the love of him who is the Savior of
the world, even our Lord Jesus Christ; who liveth
and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, in glory
everlasting. Amen.